Script 5 [DIRECT LINK]
Feedback for script draft 5:
Page 4 - The end of the first scene finishes better. It cuts at the point when he finds his fathers bag, rather than following him right up until he leaves the house. It's punchier.
Page 5 - When Tim and Luke drive away maybe the dialogue should stop at "Cockerels, Luke, really?" keeping in mind, the punchier the better. Rather than having Luke respond as the response doesn't add much to the story.
Scene 4 - Luke's innocent character shows well here. From his character profile we know that he look's up to Tim and wants to impress him. This is shown when he is described as embarrassed when Tim shouts at him for getting screwdrivers confused with vet tools. He felt like he was being helpful and doing well but then Tim ruins this and Luke becomes embarrassed.
Scene 8 - Maybe the script focuses slightly too much on Luke's dry heaving to the thought of the dead chicks? Every other line we are reminded about Luke's reaction. This will be more apparent in the edit as we can see if it's too much back and forth but from reading the script it feels like we are constantly seeing Luke dry heave and that's not what the scene is about.
Page 9 - We find out about what happened to Tim's dad at this point. I think it's good that it's included but maybe it should be said towards the beginning of the story because the audience have wondered about his father at the start and then don't get an answer until half way through the film. The audience may have forgotten that part and then it's brought up again. I think it's fine to have it here but maybe we need some sort of explanation towards the beginning as well.
Page 9 - Continuing from the dad story, I like the ferret line. It adds the comedic element into the sad story about his dad. Similarly to Ghost Family, they don't dwell on the sad parts for long before something funny happens.
Page 17 - I am glad the "Can I help you?" line has gone from Tim to Mark because it wasn't needed. Taking it out leaves the action to tell the story, rather than telling the audience about it (having Mark towering over Tim shows the audience that he's about to be beaten up).
Page 18 - The final scene outside the pub is a lot quicker. I also like the new ending with the van. I think it's a good way to conclude the story and by the end the audience realise that Tim didn't managed to succeed in his vet business.
The script has got more detail in it (the story about the dad and the owl) without adding on more pages. The script is still at 18 pages, similarly to script draft 2. This proves that the scenes have become quicker and punchier and we've managed to include a little background information as well. Alex has done really well in trying to include as much story but keeping the scenes short and sweet allowing the comedy to show through.
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