MAJOR PROJECT: Script Draft 7 Feedback

Initially, in the first tutorial we had when we returned after Christmas, Simon explained that the beginning and end of the script was lacking while the middle was quite interesting and funny. As a result of this, improving the beginning and end of the script was Alex's first task before production. I explained to Alex that I expected to see another two drafts on top of the final one he did for the pre-production package to see how the beginning and end have progressed. Through further research, I found that "it’s the producer’s job to support great ideas [and] brush aside not-so-great ones" (Mattoo, 2015), and from this I've learnt that I must be stronger with the script and what I expect from Alex. I understood from my 1-2-1 tutorial with Simon that I can only produce as well as the script. I must be confident in agreeing and disagreeing with parts of the script if they work or not. As script editor, I reviewed the next draft of the script (draft 7) and I will review the following draft after this (draft 8).

Script draft 7




My feedback
- I agree with the general sense that the middle is there, it's just the beginning and ending that need working on. The beginning is quite flat, maybe another punch line in there to give it more bulk. Previously, I felt that we needed to be introduced to the story more at the beginning of scene 1. I think Alex has overcome this well by giving a more in depth description of the 'hooded figure' rummaging around in the drawers.

- In draft 6 there wasn't a lot of sense of the importance of the father, however I think Alex has worked around this by incorporating the fathers photo. I will add this to the props. 

- The story gets interesting in a quicker space of time. Previously, Tim was hiding when Tess entered and he slowly got up and they'd start talking. However, now we get taken to the action quicker with the new idea of her creeping in and making him jump. 

- Conversation between Tim and Tess was a bit long and dragged slightly in draft 6. Alex has overcome this by making it choppier and we get to the punchline of the printer sooner.

- We've shaved off a page with the changes in draft 7. The pacing is quicker which is ideal for a comedy.

- Not sure if the idea of the van not starting is necessary in draft 7. Think we should just get going in the van to make the story choppier.

- The added conversation between Luke and Tim in the final scene makes it bulkier. There is more going on and more reason to watch the end of the film for our audience. Is there any way we could bring Tess back to continue the disapproving of Tim?

- I think the police and crime scene end is interesting. It could be a good place to end the film on, something for our audience to remember. The ending may want to end on a punch line or something quicker than the crime scene scenario. We'll think about this.

Overall, I think the script has improved since draft 6. The beginning is more to the point by getting to the printing idea quicker, also having Tess make Tim jump gets us to the action quicker which is good. Subsequently, the ending has more to it now and it more worth having as a scene in the script.

References:

- Mattoo, P. (2015). What the Hell Does a Producer Actually Do?.Available: https://www.vulture.com/2015/11/what-the-hell-does-a-producer-actually-do.html. Last accessed 1st Feb 2019.