Script 3 [DIRECT LINK]
Script draft 3 feedback:
I was looking for practicality issues as well as looking at the storyline and scripting.
Page 1 - Good use of step-sister as now we have answered the question as to why Tim and Tess don't look alike even though they are siblings.
Scene 1 - It's a lot of back and forth dialogue between Tim and Tess, maybe this could be shorter?
Scene 2 - I think it was a good choice to remove Pete from the script because he only had a few lines and his character didn't add to the story much.
Page 10 - Possibly dwell on the sad scene between Sheila and Luke for a bit too long. From my research into Ghost Family they had one or two lines about the sadness of the family dying and then jumped straight back into the comedy.
Page 10 - I like how we see the cat curled up in a bush, it answers the question of where the cat got to. It can also add a comedic element where we've just seen the dramatic scene of killing the dog and having Luke break the news to Sheila, and after all that the cat is minding its own business and peacefully sleeping.
Page 11 - I think its good to see Mollie bonding with the owls by feeding them. This shows the attachment of her to the animals and makes the owl punch scene even more shocking / heartbreaking for Mollie.
Page 13 - I think adding in the night scene is beneficial to the story, it adds to the idea of Tim desperate to be a vet. So desperate that he's willing to steal food from Mollie and trespass through the academy. It also adds a bit more significance to the academy by using their location for more than one or two scenes.
Page 13 - However, I'm slightly confused as to why he has taken the food and given it to the owl at night. We know that Tim's got a plan but then personally, I'm not too sure what the plan is, apart from giving the owl food in the middle of the night. Is the food poisoned or got something in it that the owl doesn't like? Which might then explain it's abnormal behaviour with Mollie the next day.
Page 15 - We'll have to be careful about how we approach the idea of injecting something into the owl. We can't really use the real owl and pretend to inject it and if we use the fake owl, the audience will work out that it's fake the longer we see it on screen.
Scene 11 - The owl punch scene will need a lot of rehearsing because it all happens so quickly, we'll need to practice with the real owl in order to get the action to happen in the same speed as the script.
Scene 12 - The part inside the pub where they see Sheila and Mark may drag on a little bit longer than it should. Maybe instead of explaining that they see Sheila, we could just see Sheila and Mark walking towards them? Then outside the audience we put together what just happened once they see Tim's black eye and bloody nose.
Overall, the third script draft is good. It has progressed in some places but still feels a bit too long in others. I've given my feedback and I hope Alex sees where I'm coming from. However, I am not a scriptwriter so there are some bits of my feedback that will become clearer to me once Alex explains it to me. I think the script is funny, we pitched the tone as more subtle comedy than laugh-out-loud and I think this is still consistent throughout the all the script drafts so far. I think the main thing to work on is the timing, the quicker and punchier comments and actions are the funnier they'll be.
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